Giving up… there have been so many times in my life when I just couldn’t fathom how I could go on living another day. The nights I’ve prayed for God to take me in my sleep have been innumerable… I can’t remember a time in my life when there was absolutely no heaviness in my heart… as far back as I can remember, I always wondered why, or how my mother could leave me.
I have forgiven her and we have a good relationship, but the trauma of not being close to the one who gave me life gave me the feeling that there was something wrong with me, I guess you could say I felt ashamed. Unfortunately that shame shaped my mind, and it’s like I have an emotional handicap.
I hurt for the little girl in me that still wants to go back and change things, who wants to be enough of a reason for her mother to stay… That little girl deserved better and the other little girl, my sister, she deserved better too. I know that I can’t allow these things to continue to cripple me, although sometimes it feels like I’m already damaged beyond repair.
But I believe that anything is possible, I believe that one day I can be free from the heaviness I’ve felt my entire 33 (almost 34) years on this earth… I’ve tried to get free so many times, counseling, therapy, affirmations, meditation, yoga, fasting and praying… nothing ever really does the trick, I always seem to still have the heaviness and the shame still weighing on me.
This year I really want to make a breakthrough, I’m not sure what that even looks like at this point, but I want to not feel like I missed out on having a better life, I want to not feel like I was a burden, I want to not feel like I was unwanted or like my feelings didn’t matter.
I want to feel like I was special to somebody, like I was somebodies baby… it feels a bit ridiculous saying that now as a fully grown adult, it almost feels like I’m just whining, but I would be lying if I said that I don’t still hurt from missing out on these things.
Now the spiritual part of me knows that all things work together for my good, but sometimes I wonder when I’ll see the good that will come from any of things I’ve gone through. For years, I’ve been trying to get free from this emotional bondage, I want to be free, I don’t want to keep holding on to the shame and the resentment and the anger, I want to let it all go… I’ve prayed and prayed about it and I am still praying… as much as I want to give up, something in me just won’t stop believing that one day I’ll be free.
It’s taken a lot out of me just to write this, to be totally honest with myself about how I feel, not worrying what anyone will think. I get so weary at times, but maybe the thing I’m learning is how faith is built… maybe faith is made stronger in my weakest moments, maybe I had to give up so that I could learn how to get up…
I never wanted to kill myself, but there have been times when I thought I wanted to die… It’s hard to explain it, but there’s a fighter in me… there is something that is bigger than me, wiser than me, stronger than me, who just won’t let me give up.
If you are reading this and you feel like you’re at the end of you’re rope, just hold on… I can’t say when it’ll get better, but something lead you to read this and I am here to tell you that it is not time for you to give up on your life… There is something bigger than you, wiser than you, stronger than you, strong enough to pick you up after the hardest fall. Please, don’t give up…
Seek 