Fireworks Start With A Spark…

I’ve been wanting to keep track of my progress… I’ve been saying affirmations, I have been doing some visualization, but honestly… I have not had any major life change in these past few weeks… it almost feels like the affirmations aren’t really doing much of anything at all. However for the last few nights, I’ve been listening to a recording of myself saying my self love affirmation…

Dear Superhuman Manifesting Master,

The love I have for you is infinite and unconditional… you exude Gods pure power and perfect alignment exactly as you are, confidently thriving as your authentic self. You always follow your bliss and your greatest self is revealed every day… You illuminate the genius of your God given gifts and talents with humble sincerity and purpose, shining bright like the clearest cut diamond from the inside out! You alone are whole and complete!! Under Gods Grace and in perfect ways!!

This morning I woke up and it wasn’t so much that I felt like I had magically changed, but I woke up with the mindset of being in control of the way I start my day… feeling more determined to stick to my new routine of saying affirmations out loud every morning before I get out of the bed. Sometimes, actually most times when I’m getting out of the bed in the morning, thoughts start racing through my mind before I can get a hold of them, and before I know it, I’m starting my day off in anxiety.

Today is honestly the first morning that I made the decision to take over my thoughts, and the way I feel… after I finished with my affirmations, I hopped out of the bed with a little extra pep in my step.

Then I saw something online about different ways to make money doing what you love… and I immediately started coming up with an affirmation about having the perfect source of income while doing what I love and being perfectly aligned to it, and it made me realize two things… #1 is that I think in affirmation and #2 it also made me think about how much the self love affirmations I’ve been saying daily might have helped lead me to see what I saw this morning about turning a passion into a profession, and motivated me to take some sort of action in manifesting the life I desire.

Self love is so important… when we aren’t loving ourselves like we should, we hesitate, we talk ourselves out of things that would be beneficial to us because they seem too difficult, we procrastinate, we let the fear of failure overtake us and we become stagnant, stuck in our old negative ways of thinking, repeating the same patterns throughout our entire lives. I’ve been stuck in a rut for a long, long time and I’m ready to get out, I’m ready to be free.

I’ve tried to start over, affirming a better career, more money, and all of the “things” I thought would make my life better, make me feel better… it never worked. I understand now that until I love myself, my life will continue to work against me, because I don’t believe in my heart that I am truly deserving of a life that bring me joy and fulfillment.

So no, I don’t have an update as far as huge changes that have happened since I started this journey a few weeks ago… but, I do feel like I’m beginning to feel a little spark lighting up on the inside… it may still be small right now, but I believe that my consistency is what will make that spark turn into fireworks.

First I Saw It And then, I Actually Saw It…

Today I was determined to start off on the right foot… I woke up and read the affirmations I have written down on a piece of paper under my pillow… then I did some self love affirmations in the mirror when I went into the bathroom… I also did some visualizing about my day… I pictured the residents I work with all looking at me in the front of the room where we do activities, and I pictured them looking as if they were really interested in what I was saying… I spoke a few affirmations about that particular visualization, something like “when you talk, people give you their full attention, they want to listen to what you have to say…”.

Then I laughed at nothing, I mean I literally just belly laughed at absolutely nothing, it sounds crazy but it actually helps to get me in a happier mood, or as the manifesting experts would say, it helps to raise my vibration.

To be honest, there were a lot of things that really burned my biscuits today… my husband and I didn’t have a great start this morning (we made up by lunch… I called and apologized on my lunch break)… and there’s some work stuff that is still river dancing on my last nerve… As much as I could today, I said my affirmation on releasing anger “I am willing to release the need to be angry”… it helped a little.

I didn’t sleep very well last night and I was yawning all day, but I was still able to put a smile on the residents faces today and that always makes me feel good.

On Thursday afternoons, there’s a small group, usually about three to five residents who meet with me to read the Daily Bread… today the small room we used was filled more than usual with about ten or eleven residents, who were all looking at me, giving me their full attention, participating in the conversation, sincerely interested in what we were talking about.

This was the most participation I’ve ever had in the couple of months I’ve been reading the Daily Bread with my senior citizen friends… we were having such a great discussion about the Daily Bread reading that I had to write a few notes on the white board because I really felt like these residents could truly benefit from trying to implement some of the things we talked about into their every day lives and into my every day life as well honestly.

My supervisor even came in towards the end and added some great insight right before we were finished… I was just so happy with how everything went, I felt like I was beaming.

As I sat down to write this evening, for some reason I couldn’t think of anything significant to write about my day, so I started to write (I actually typed) my self love affirmation “I love, approve and appreciate you exactly as you are, you are perfect, whole and complete”… and as I typed the words over and over again, I closed my eyes and said the affirmation out loud as well… then all of a sudden a picture of the residents looking at me while I was standing in front of the room where we do activities popped in my mind… and I realized that I had manifested exactly what I visualized and affirmed earlier this morning, just as I had envisioned it, but even better… isn’t that something?

I love when I’m not trying so hard, when I just use the proper tools, it really does get the job done. I’m proud of myself… currently patting myself on the back (pat, pat, pat).

“I Am Willing To Release The Need To Be Angry…”

I didn’t wake up in a great mood today… work stuff bothering me… trying to change my thoughts about it and affirm how I want things to turn out, but my thoughts keep going back to me giving everybody who’s getting on my nerves a piece of my mind.

I’m tired of doing all the work while my co-worker does the bare minimum, I’m tired of the schedule changes, I’m tired of the lack of professionalism from the leadership team, I’m tired of the unorganized chaos, I’m tired of the man who sexually harasses women on a daily basis still not being fired after I made a complaint about him… I’m pissed because a wonderful female co-worker of mine is afraid to file a complaint against him for fear that no real disciplinary action will be taken, and what he does to her is way worse than what he did to me… I want to scream!

I could scream into a pillow…

But I know that screaming and cussing people out is not the best way I can handle the situation… I told my husband how I felt this morning and of course he said exactly what I needed to hear, not necessarily what I wanted to hear… he said that I have to look at this like a test… will I trust God or not? Will I continue to dwell on it and let the anger keep building up as I go over scenarios in my mind about how things should be and how I should tell certain people off or how I should just quit… or will I give it to God and allow him the space to move and take care of things, knowing that He is my help.

All my life I’ve been conditioned to dwell on the negative… if something is bothering me, I fester in it, I think about the worst things that could possibly happen from this situation, I start to take on the perspective of a person who is being treated unfairly, who has to fight to be heard and understood. But these feelings are within me, and I know that these situations are just a mirror, showing me my insecurities and my old negative thought patterns and beliefs… but will I actually take the time to look at myself or will I keep pointing the finger telling everybody else what’s wrong with them?

It’s easy to blame other people for the way we feel, but I do believe that no one can make me feel anything, I have a choice to choose what I will feel about any particular situation. So when I find myself pointing out flaws in other people, I try to figure out why I’m so affected by whatever that person is doing or however they’re being or treating me… I try to put a name on it, I may be feeling disrespected, unappreciated, overwhelmed or misunderstood… then I try to put an emotion behind it, is it making me sad, or angry, do I feel fear?

The underlying emotion I feel from the outcome of any particular situation is where the true work lies… not in tearing down or even trying to fix other people… if there is anger within me, it did not originate from a situation I’m dealing with at work, it was already there and is just being shown to me through this experience.

See, I used to think that the only way to feel better about an unsavory situation was to change the experience, when really the experience is here to change me… the experience is here to show us what we need to change within ourselves, that’s why we usually wind up going through different experiences that make us feel the same way, angry, fearful or sad… if we don’t address the way we feel and release the need to dwell in those feelings, we will continue to bring more experiences that bring about these same emotions… and I don’t want to live a life full of anger, fear and sadness.

The key is to figure out how you’re feeling, and if it is a negative feeling that brings you down make a choice, choose to feel the opposite. When I break down my own personal experiences, I find that at the root of it all, the emotion I feel the most is anger. Funny thing is, I’m not an angry person by nature, I smile and laugh a lot, as a matter of fact a big part of my job is to bring joy to people and I love what I do… but underneath, I know that there is some emotional healing that needs to occur, so that I can have more positive experiences in life.

The first step is being willing to let go of the old negative beliefs as I was taught by Mrs. Louis Hay in her book “ You Can Heal Your Life”… If you know that you experience anger a lot, maybe just affirm “I am willing to release the need within me to be angry…”. Repeat this affirmation, repeat it a lot… the more you say it out loud and in your mind over and over again, it’ll start to sink into your subconscious mind and it will begin to become a belief.

Abraham Hicks once said “A belief is a thought you continue to think.”… and it’s that simple… if we change our beliefs, we will change our experiences and when we change our experiences, we are changing our lives.

My affirmation for the day is “I am willing to release the need to be angry…” and after saying this over and over and I begin to feel like I am actually willing to let it go, I’ll eventually move on to, “I release the need for anger…” It seems so insignificant, but I know the power of thought and belief, and a positive change in them will result in positive changes in my life.

The Consistency Key…

So this past week I worked diligently on trying to focus my thoughts… I started out the week focusing on an affirmation that I wrote for work which was “I have Divine favor at my job, I make Divine connections, I love what I do with a passion and I am flourishing under Gods Grace and in perfect ways”…

This affirmation feels really good to me, and so I wrote it down on a piece of paper, stuck it in my bra and went about my day, saying it whenever I felt the paper moving around and sometimes I would just remember to say it when I had a free moment to myself.

I did pretty good for my first attempt at this in a long time… but I just remember the first time I did this years ago, I was saying the affirmation so much more, and that is probably because at the time I wasn’t working a full time job and my life was a lot different, I was single and living with my mom… I’m married now and I have responsibilities that sometimes take over my thoughts.

When I did this whole affirmation thing years ago, I remember really feeling great when I said the affirmation, it was almost like the affirmation was so different from what I truly thought of myself, it really felt like I had to get into character to recite it with feeling… I believe that was a good thing, it made me actually have to feel like the person I was trying to become.

With that being said, this affirmation about my job is great, but I am going to revisit it because I want to feel like I have to get into character as I’m saying it, so that every time I say it, I am feeling more and more like the person I am trying to become, and before I know it, I won’t be acting anymore, it will be a part of my being.

The other thing I realized it that, while I do want to focus on flourishing in the position I’m in at my job, I can’t forget that the number one priority for me this year is to truly love myself exactly as I am… so by the end of last week, I was focusing my thoughts on another affirmation I had written for myself that went “I love approve and appreciate you exactly as you are _(insert your name here)_, you are perfect, whole and complete”.

This affirmation feels good, and I have begun to say it in my head all day every day for the most part, especially the last two days I’ve had off of work. I’m reciting it over and over to myself while I’m laying in bed watching tv, while I’m cooking or washing the dishes, while I’m in the shower, while I’m brushing my teeth, even while I’m in light conversation with my husband… I know it sounds weird, but somehow I’ve found a way to think the affirmation and still be paying attention to what he’s saying, however in our more in depth convo’s I’m not thinking about the affirmation because I am still aware of the need to be present in the moment.

To be honest, I really surprised myself last week with how well I did with my self love affirmation… but this week I want to turn it up a little. I am going to rewrite my self love affirmation so that it’s like the one I did years ago, when the affirmation was so different than from what I actually thought about myself that to say it with feeling I had to get into character which made be become who I was actually trying to be.

The goal is to not feel like I’m trying to love myself exactly as I am, the goal is just love myself, inherently. It’s the third week of the year and I’m really proud of myself for staying on task, and also for keeping track of my progress… by the end of this year, I should have enough data to show myself the actual proof of how I can change and heal my life with the power of my mind. Consistency in this mind experiment is key.

Don’t Give Up

Giving up… there have been so many times in my life when I just couldn’t fathom how I could go on living another day. The nights I’ve prayed for God to take me in my sleep have been innumerable… I can’t remember a time in my life when there was absolutely no heaviness in my heart… as far back as I can remember, I always wondered why, or how my mother could leave me.

I have forgiven her and we have a good relationship, but the trauma of not being close to the one who gave me life gave me the feeling that there was something wrong with me, I guess you could say I felt ashamed. Unfortunately that shame shaped my mind, and it’s like I have an emotional handicap.

I hurt for the little girl in me that still wants to go back and change things, who wants to be enough of a reason for her mother to stay… That little girl deserved better and the other little girl, my sister, she deserved better too. I know that I can’t allow these things to continue to cripple me, although sometimes it feels like I’m already damaged beyond repair.

But I believe that anything is possible, I believe that one day I can be free from the heaviness I’ve felt my entire 33 (almost 34) years on this earth… I’ve tried to get free so many times, counseling, therapy, affirmations, meditation, yoga, fasting and praying… nothing ever really does the trick, I always seem to still have the heaviness and the shame still weighing on me.

This year I really want to make a breakthrough, I’m not sure what that even looks like at this point, but I want to not feel like I missed out on having a better life, I want to not feel like I was a burden, I want to not feel like I was unwanted or like my feelings didn’t matter.

I want to feel like I was special to somebody, like I was somebodies baby… it feels a bit ridiculous saying that now as a fully grown adult, it almost feels like I’m just whining, but I would be lying if I said that I don’t still hurt from missing out on these things.

Now the spiritual part of me knows that all things work together for my good, but sometimes I wonder when I’ll see the good that will come from any of things I’ve gone through. For years, I’ve been trying to get free from this emotional bondage, I want to be free, I don’t want to keep holding on to the shame and the resentment and the anger, I want to let it all go… I’ve prayed and prayed about it and I am still praying… as much as I want to give up, something in me just won’t stop believing that one day I’ll be free.

It’s taken a lot out of me just to write this, to be totally honest with myself about how I feel, not worrying what anyone will think. I get so weary at times, but maybe the thing I’m learning is how faith is built… maybe faith is made stronger in my weakest moments, maybe I had to give up so that I could learn how to get up…

I never wanted to kill myself, but there have been times when I thought I wanted to die… It’s hard to explain it, but there’s a fighter in me… there is something that is bigger than me, wiser than me, stronger than me, who just won’t let me give up.

If you are reading this and you feel like you’re at the end of you’re rope, just hold on… I can’t say when it’ll get better, but something lead you to read this and I am here to tell you that it is not time for you to give up on your life… There is something bigger than you, wiser than you, stronger than you, strong enough to pick you up after the hardest fall. Please, don’t give up…

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