Each day I wake up with the luxury of a certain type of freedom… for the first time in my life I actually don’t have to work, thanks to my husband, I am a stay at home wife, with no children, but so used to being busy that sitting still makes me feel like a foreigner in my own body. So what now… what do I do with all of this free time? Self-governance is what I’ve always wanted, no outside authority telling me what time I have to wake up, clock in, take lunch… but now that I am the only authority of my time, it’s the figuring out how to use it that is changing my perspective on what it means to truly be free.
Growing up, my day to day life revolved around a very structured yet normal schedule, the routine worked perfectly… but as I got older I started to feel like I had been assimilated into the cultural norms of society, the traditions, the politics, the family life cycle… there was always a part of me that wanted to rebel, not too loud or aggressively but in a way that would make me smile in the end as I transition from this life to the next… if we all go back to dust when we die, I want to leave behind a little fairy dust sparkle. Over the years I’ve peaked in and out of my spotlight, searching for the confidence to stand in it completely and unapologetically… the freedom of just being who I was created to be.
There was always something to blame, there was always something I could point to that was somehow holding me back, keeping me from my full bloom… but now I am beginning to realize that jobs, financial responsibilities or even certain people, have nothing to do with the handle I have on my personal freedom. I have been home for almost a year now, slowly piecing myself back together after battling with anxiety amongst other things… this season of my life has been enlightening, to understand and embrace my weakness and my power is one of the greatest lessons I’ll ever learn. The freedom I sought after was not freedom from the limitations that the world puts on me, but freedom from the limitations I place upon myself, I’m learning… free your mind and the rest will follow.